Life's Heart Palpitations

First off, I would like to apologize for it being so long since I last posted anything. Life has gotten a little bit hectic and beyond that, I haven't had anything I have felt is appropriate to write about. This week has been crazy and a lot has happened. So let me give you guys a little update.

First off, I don't remember the last time I've been as tired as I am and have been for the past week. I started back to school doing Illustration, I moved last weekend to my own place finally, and things transpired that caused my first week in my own home to be both happy and unbearably sad. I won't get into the details, but I'm going to go over a few things, give some advice and shed some light on things not talked about.

Getting my own space to do with as I please, painting it, creating an environment in which I can heal and grow and learn, has been an enormously important step for me. I know most people probably don't see it the way I do, it doesn't really hit us as to how important it is for us to have a nurturing environment, even if it's our own. But it should be ESPECIALLY our own environment that is good for us. I did a post a while back about how life comes down to choices and it's those choices that shape who we are and what kind of life we have. I am a work in progress. We all are and no one is perfect. We love people who we want to believe are perfect because of completely illogical reasons sometimes. And sometimes that love transcends all other understanding and that's okay. I wanted this place to be a safe haven for me. I wanted it to be somewhere I enjoy coming home to. I have my fur babies, my books, my memories surrounding me. And I had hoped there would be people in here going in and out and stopping by and people would be more available. But all that has happened is that my best friends are still miles and miles and continents away, and the few friends I have here are barely acquaintances that I don't have a desire to make more than that.

Someone close to me has continually told me I need to go out and meet new people, date, live life. That's what they are doing. And honestly, it has been hard to watch. Don't think I'm jealous. I know what you're thinking. Let me explain. It's hard to watch someone suffering from past scars and issues that does everything in their power to ignore that there is anything wrong and they need to deal with those things. They stick their head in the sand, go off and doing crazy stupid shit that is going to end up coming back to bite them and run off with all the wrong people just to feel good. They throw away the people who actually care, who truly love them because they are a reminder that there is more to life and that in order to truly live life and be happy, at some point you have to face your demons and win. And yes, that fight ends up being an ongoing process because they are nasty little things that don't want to let go. And they remind you every day of all the reasons you're not worthy of being loved, that you aren't pretty enough or smart enough or stable enough or in my case, apparently not docile enough and won't roll over and do whatever and be super soft spoken. I was born to be a fighter AND a lover. But that fighter part of me is always what makes people run. I fight for who and what I love. I question things that don't add up BECAUSE THEY DON'T ADD UP. I'm sorry I don't sit back and accept every answer I get just because someone doesn't want to admit the deeply hidden truths inside of them that they don't want to deal with. That's not my problem, but I've made it my problem because, fun fact guys, I've already lived that life. Several times over, in fact.

This home of mine. I started calling it home 2 days into me living here. It's not a place I plan on staying at forever or even for a long time. But for the time being, I'm making it mine. I wanted it to be a calm space. And it's getting there! But I wanted to share it, too. Which brings me to another point. I have to force myself to be selfish right now. To work on me, to work on being the person I was created to be and want to be. And something I've come to realize, is that is actually incredibly hard. And no one says that. They just say, "I knew I needed to change, so I changed. And I never looked back." Guys. It's really not that simple. Yes, you change because you know you need to. For your sake and everyone else's.

I started doing things to calm myself, give myself some peace on matters of the heart. I took a step back and focused on doing what I needed to do, in order to get to this point. I actually recently told a friend of mine this who has been struggling with finding a job and also pursuing his dream and passion. Unfortunately, his dreams and passions, like mine, don't conform or fit into the normal world. And I told him that sometimes you have to do what needs to be done in order to do what you want. And the funny thing about doing things that you need to is that once you get a point in your life where you know that something needs to change, you end up doing it before you even realize it's been done. You just start doing things instead of overthinking them and making up excuses as to why you can't do them.

This past year has been hard. Really really hard. There have been good times and bad, and way too many sad, disappointing times. I once joked that I think I created a lake of tears in Heaven from the amount I have cried. Funny thing is, there are people out there I wish would read this and I know they never will. So I hope this helps someone out there. I hope this speaks to someone. It does get better. Usually not right away or even sooner rather than later. But sometimes you have to be selfish, even if it's not in your nature to be selfish. You can't love someone, or pursue your passions and dreams and goals, if you don't first work on yourself. Doing the right thing is always the hardest thing you could ever do. Those truths inside of you that you bury because you don't want to admit them. You don't want to do the hard things because you want things to work out. You're that soul that just wants the best for people. Keep that. But also want the best for yourself and work on getting there. That requires you to be the best version of yourself. Or as I like to call it, your TRUE self. Not the person the world has told you to be and turned you into. Break free of that and really start learning about yourself before you start learning about someone else. Have good answers that are blunt and honest when someone asks you to tell them about yourself. Be an inspiration in just the simple fact that you aren't stumbling around frantically searching for answers you think they want to hear. Be you. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it. And just know that most people out there are doing all the things you know are bad for them because they just want to feel good and wanted. Which is completely stupid and contradictory but welcome to humans. We are a complicated, crazy, backwards, chaotic mess that everyone is trying to unravel. And only YOU can unravel yourself. No one else can do that for you.

So be you. Be vibrant and beautiful and loving and daring in the things you do in the world. Make a difference in peoples lives by making a difference in yourself first. Life has palpitations and they hurt. But we always continue on and we get stronger and sometimes when those hit, that's when we have to stop and breathe and reset ourselves. We need to grow through the pain and take it one step at a time. Slow down once in a while. It's really okay to be by yourself and heal.

x.x

m.k.