raison d'être

This post is going to be a hard one.

A couple things happened in a very short amount of time that have really hit me hard. The first thing that happened was that I ignored my intuition for the millionth time and at the last second, realized it and changed direction. Which puts me in a bit of a hard spot and also in a position of realizing I need to stop ignoring my intuition and realize my worth. Though that decision and realization didn't actually make it sink in.

The next thing that happened was that I ran across a video of a woman talking about her abusive 10-year marriage and how she got out of it and went on to thrive and have the life she had always wanted. I shared the video. Now. Here's where everything happened essentially all at once. That decision I made at the last second? I woke up the night before I was going to carry on ignoring my intuition to see that one of my closest friends had messaged me in response to that video I shared and told me he didn't know me back when I went through something similar, and said, "you have no idea how thankful I am for you and that you survived that yourself. By the way, love you Kenz." It took me a long time to respond. Hours, actually. But right after I read that, another friend talked to me about aforementioned decision I eventually made and told me I have all the opportunities in the world to do good things. Things that make me happy and also help others. Things that will help me live up to my potential. He pointed out that I never accept help and everyone needs help at some point in their life. My problem is that I hate accepting help when I'm so used to help having strings attached. Because for me, when I help, it's never with the expectation of getting anything in return. I just hope it helps and that it gets you to wherever it is you're trying to grow to. So I'm incredibly hesitant when anyone tells me to let them know if they can do anything in my time of need, or if I need anything to let them know. The list goes on. To me, it sounds so cliche and disingenuous. We live in a world where people use people and love things, and therefore, we create more problems instead of actually helping. Helping has actually become selfish. It's the idea of "what's in it for me?" That's not what this life is about, but it's turned into that. And I am and have continuously been the opposite of that. I won't apologize for it, though I have many times. It's on my list of things to work on about myself. Mainly to stop apologizing for being me. For trying to be a good person while also having standards.

Anyways, to continue the story. My friend made me write down 10 positive affirmations about myself at 3am. Most of you don't know this about me, but that's dangerous. When I'm tired, I'm grumpy. When I'm tired and frustrated and sitting at the edge of a life changing situation, it's taking everything in me not to completely break down and run away. So I managed to get through it. I'll share what I wrote.

I am compassionate

I feel deeply

I love deeply

I am intelligent

I am strong

I am okay

I have survived

I can do anything I put my mind to

I still have hope

I have a purpose (was changed to I am fulfilling)

I am desirable (was told to add this)

My friend crossed out I am okay and I have survived as well as "still" changing it to I have hope. Small changes. But powerful. He then had me sit down and read them out loud. Needless to say, it's much different writing them down compared to reading them out loud. I actually started laughing. Not because it was funny, but because of my frustration at having to do it. Because reading them out loud meant that I had to actually face those truths. Things I wanted desperately to be true and at one point believed. Over years of dealing with the world, of going through everything I've been through, somewhere along the way, I stopped believing them. I forgot my value and my worth. I forgot that I am worth something. It took probably 15 minutes of arguing with him that there was no point in reading them out loud and him telling me I'm stalling because I don't believe any of them for me to finally read them. The hardest part was when he told me to say them while looking at him and with a tone that suggests I believe those things. I actually got angry. I've been hardwired for so long to compare myself to others, to believe I'm not what people want, I'm nothing special, feelings are stupid and pointless and everything I've been through is in the past so leave it there. Like that somehow fixes everything and I can just move on and live a normal life and be like everyone else. When he told me I was finished, I actually threw the notebook and stomped off like a child to bed because I couldn't face it. Those words. It's a terrible thing really. To me, words hold infinite power. What I say, I mean. Yet somehow, to a lot of people, words are empty. There is no proof or action behind them. They use the power wrong and it destroys people. There's a reason mother's told their children for generations that if they don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. My problem is that my face says everything I don't speak. And anyone who knows me, knows that if I go quiet, it's generally not for good reasons. So I'm screwed.

However, there was once a time where I had to learn the art of a poker face and to stay quiet and just observe. Bide my time. Play mind games I'd never known existed and learn how to win the game. It has now gotten to the point in my life, where if I run into anyone who plays those games, I instantly have a fight or flight response. Generally I can't flee. At least not immediately. So I just learn how to deal with it again. This probably will label me as weak, or jaded or stupid or any number of other negative traits. It's okay. I'm used it. I'll deal with it like I always do. Just understand that if anyone actually thinks that's a negative thing, that proves you're either like those people who play mind games, or you've thankfully never been put into a situation to where you actually have to figure that out and deal with it.

My ultimate decision came after I was in bed, and went back and read that message again. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't stop the tears staining my pillow. To think about everything I survived and then to realize how badly my brain had become and the things I feed myself because of the scars on it, the way it had been taught to think, it's like I didn't really survive any of it. Or I guess you could say I survived it, but I've never really healed. Those wounds were too deep and I didn't even know it. I didn't know they were that deep every time I had true friends tell me I could do whatever I put my mind to and I have so much potential. My brain just registered all that as people not wanting to hurt me with the truth. It registered them as empty words. I didn't believe them. Until last night.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has felt since I was a kid that I was meant for big things. That somehow I would go far in life. Though I never imagined the things I would go through along the way. I never imagined I would become one of those people hardened by the world. I wanted so desperately to be different. To still have a kind heart. And I do to an extent. I just don't protect it very well.

The point of all this, of telling you all of this, is to get you to realize that you DO have a purpose. You do have a life of purpose. In my case, I've been entirely too afraid of failing and becoming everything I've felt people think of me, that I actually have become everything people think of me and I have failed myself more than anyone else. Which is entirely worse than failing anyone else. So my decision last night was this.

I am done being afraid to the point of apathy and laziness, too afraid to go out and do the things I know I am called to do. I have a lot of God-given talents I have wasted over the years, but no more. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly letting everyone down. I'm tired of making stupid decisions that I know are not in my best interests. I'm tired of trying to always be what I think each individual person in my life wants or needs me to be. I try so hard to help everyone around me that I end up draining myself and I have nothing leftover for myself. I decided I'm going to actually start doing the things I say I'm going to do. This is the second step of a new daily routine in order to heal myself. To become the woman I have always envisioned myself being. The woman I know I truly am deep down. I buried her. Before she was ever born, I buried the woman I know I am in order to be what the world thought I should be. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I will continue to make mistakes because I am human. But I won't live in fear of that anymore. I have a life of purpose to live. Dreams to turn into reality. Not for anyone else but me. At least for now. My goal is that by healing myself, I heal relationships and help people along the way. My hope is to inspire others and make them realize they also have hope and a life of purpose to live.

Those talents you have that you don't think are good enough? They are. I hope you all find someone who makes you look them in the eye and tell them you are intelligent, and kind and beautiful. That you have worth and can do anything you put your mind too. I have a strong feeling that is it those of us drowning in our own apathy and fears that are going to change the world. The problem is that we have been raised to think we can't. Believe you are worth it. Believe you can change. Let out that person you buried inside yourself for the sake of the world and see what happens. This is how God creates beauty from pain. How He brings life from ashes.

One thing the woman from the video said that rings true for everyone, no matter where you are in life, is learn to take it one day at a time. And then one moment at a time. Learn to slow down and breathe.

love,

m.k.